We should talk...

Lent is a time for confession. So I am going to make one.

Мои русские друзья, пожалуйста, простите меня!
Я боюсь говорить по-русски.

I know this is shocking!Why would someone want to try to learn a language and then not want to try to speak it? It’s true. And it is so sad, because your language makes me feel strong and amazingly intelligent. I do not want to sound like we are on a bad date but its true: It’s not you it’s me. It is not your fault it’s mine. And I am sorry. On those rare occasions when some of you have heard me speak, you have ALL told me I speak well. It is my fault for not believing you. So here are my reasons for not doing what I should have been doing.
1) I am afraid of getting it wrong.
- I mean GEEZ!! Can you blame me? Think of all the things I have to think of when I speak that you never have to think of: I have to think of the whole sentence! Where is the subject? Which verb? Which aspect? Did I complete the action? Will I complete the action? Opps! Now we have a preposition so if I say “that” then it is “this” case…and on and on….and I have not even mentioned the issue of pronunciation….which if I get wrong messes everything up completely despite my best intentions.
2) I am limited in Russian:
- SHOCK!! Not only in vocabulary but also understanding of the grammar. After my first conversation with a native speaker. I was painfully aware of what I did not know. So I poured a lot of energy into studying in the hopes of closing this language gap. Now I am stuck in this loop of feeling I have not learned enough so I can’t speak.
3) Then there is the issue of English practice:
- Well now there is the other side of it. I was not just contacting you for Russian you were contacting me for English. I think I grew very comfortable in this role as your friend and tutor. But as you were catching up to me I was not feeling I was doing the same. And let me say for my part. I have been amazed at the strides all of you have made in English. Despite the fact that you do not like articles and think they will just go away.
4) My abandonment issues:
- Ok I will admit this is really, really stupid! (really stupid) In my defense, I had no reason to believe I would still be working with 2 of you after 2 years, and the rest of you a year or more. To be fair, there are some people who have dropped out. I hope the core community I have remains intact and I guess if you have stuck around with me for 2 years I owe you some Russian. (ok, ok I owe EVERYONE!)

You can see it is a vicious cycle… But there is another element here that has nothing to do with you. I now risk sounding like a real whiny baby, but I never thought I was very smart. I always knew I was nice, but never smart. I had to fight for that. Upon reflection this is also stupid because there was plenty of evidence to the contrary, but I ignored it. For example when I was 16 or 17 my parents came home from a school conference with my teachers and said the most terrifying words a teen can hear. “Honey, please come here and sit down.” I remember this story because I tell it to my own students. My parents asked me if it were possible that I could start fighting kids at school, maybe sell drugs or at least light something on fire. Why? They were tired (and rightfully so) of hearing how I was really bright but “did not work up to my potential”. I think I was too interested in boys to think about working up to my potential. I did not even know what a GPA was until I met Chris and then it was too late to really do anything about it. I remember asking him- “So is the GPA important?” Furthermore, it did not help that my guidance counselor thought I should go to a two year school and get an associate’s degree because he did not think I could hack a four year university education. And here is where my mother is my hero, because I remember that conversation also.

“You go back in that office, get the applications for the four state universities and fill them out!! Who the heck does that guy think he is??!!”

Tearfully I filled them out. I was accepted at two schools, I choose the smaller one. After four more years of crying I graduated with a 3.2 (or something like that) and went on to graduate school where I graduated (more crying) with something like a 3.4. It seems I am not stupid, just a really emotional creature.
It is more than just being emotional; I am fearful, terribly fearful. There are times when it feels like the fear and doubt are so strong they will take over my life. As a mother I have nudged my poor husband more times than I care to remember because I was convinced that a peacefully sleeping baby was a victim of crib death. Once, when Ben fell out of bed and I woke up in time to hear him hit the floor. I lay there listening for crying. When there was none, I went to his room convinced to find my darling boy dead on the floor or bleeding from a head trauma. In my mind that would explain the lack of crying. When I walked in he had picked himself up and put himself back into bed. No blood, no concussion. I woke him up anyway to be sure.
So almost every decision I have made in my life had some element of fear attached to it or was at least part of the landscape. I am complete “six” on the Enneagram. (http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeSix.asp) go ahead…read it! My face is practically on the webpage. For those of you who are not familiar with this personality assessment I highly recommend it. Essentially there are nine “points” and with some careful self analysis you can find which point best represents you. It has also been helpful for me to understand why other people don’t see the world the way I do. Not to get into a huge explanation of this assessment but a “six” is known as “the Loyalist” but the other points move around as follows;
1) The perfectionist
2) The helper
3) The achiever
4) The romantic
5) The observer
6) The loyalist (or the questioner)
7) The adventurer
8) The asserter
9) The peacemaker

At their best sixes are: loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful and responsible. At their worst: hyper vigilant, controlling, unpredictable, judgmental, PARANOID, DEFENSIVE, rigid, SELF-DEFEATING, and testy. (emphasis mine)
This is only one tool and as I am not really into personality assessments per-se, I like this one. When I read the section on “me” I have to laugh. And so should you. It describes the typical thoughts of a six: “I am ready for any emergency.” “Was I talking too much?” “Why did I say that?” “Why did she say that?” you get the idea.
Now this same person is studying Russian. It is amazing that I have not needed medication yet. This would be crippling or could be if it was not for my “wings” – The adventurer – fun loving, spontaneous, imaginative, and confident “seven”. Here is where I try to draw strength and do what I need to do. On the other side is - the observer- listening, analytical, persevering objective and wise “five”. This wing reminds me I am intelligent, competent and with hard work I can successfully achieve my goals.
Unfortunately, I often take to complaining about how I can’t make the language work in my head and get easily frustrated with my mistakes. This cycle of defeat is keeping me stuck and not enabling me to make the progress I want. I understand that one way to progress now is to speak even if it is wrong. While complaining one evening one correspondent told me- “You have a tough mind. Keep practicing!” I will of course still speak English with you and continue to help you overcome your irrational fear of English verb tenses and noun articles. One friend in Russia always says to me before we speak “Let’s jump!” So yes…I will jump because I trust you.


Sources:

Baron, Renee & Wagele, Elizabeth. Enneagram Made Easy: Discover the 9 Types of People Harper San Francisco, 1994.