Сожаление или судьба: Regret or fate

It is really so stupid. I meet someone who traveled to Moscow in the 1980's. I hear a story on the radio or in the paper about someone who spent their young lives traveling to various places in Central Asia. I sit and think too long about how maybe I should have studied Russian literature and spent some time in Leningrad when it was still Leningrad. It is an uncomfortable feeling, a stinging cocktail, a mix of regret and jealously. But then again I regret a lot of things these days. Regret hangs over me sometimes like a bad metaphor. Everyone has regrets and if they don't they are lying. No one's life is perfect everyone has missed opportunities, moments where they could have gone in different direction, compromises made for comfort, the safe choices. When you are older and braver one cannot help but reflect on one's personal history with a tinge of regret.

I have three reasons to be reflecting on regret this week. First, the school year ended and after the difficult year this has been, of course regret is part of mental landscape. Second, I am heading down to Connecticut this weekend for my high school class reunion. While excited to see everyone and eager to travel around town taking the photos I have wanted to take for years, there is a piece of me that worries over things like measures of status and success. I worry about how my life stacks up next to those of my classmates. Third, it's my birthday on Monday. This always makes me reflect on my life. It's another year I have lived and I give myself a little check up to see how am I doing. This is one of those years with a little extra reflection perhaps. Life can be tragically short and everyone wants their life to have meaning and purpose.

While regret is something one can to some extent fend off by staying true to ones goals, purposes, vocation and remaining self aware; fate is something else altogether. Sometimes our lives are ruled more by this than by anything else. We do not control the universe after all. Events, people situations all come into our lives at certain times sometimes we are not prepared for this and the consequences can be difficult, we can be unprepared for the challenge or let fear rule our hearts and miss the opportunity fate presents us. There is the saying that every person enters our lives for a purpose. The longer I live the more I believe this.

Maybe in a parallel universe I am living that life I think I wanted. Every movie that deals with this subject asks the same existential question: Would you really give up what you have for what you could have had? Let's play the game. Let's say that I had gone on to study Russian history or literature and had done all that traveling and work. Yes, by now would be fluent in Russian. What a beautiful universe. However, had I done it that way how would I ever have connected with the people I now work with? Let's say as a 20 something graduate student I went to Russia then still the USSR. Chances are I would not even have landed at Vnokovo airport let alone met Leonid or heard one of his amazing fishing stories. If I had travelled to Tashkent in 1987 what chain of events could possibly have led to me being introduced to an aeronautical engineer with same birthday? Never mind that at the time he was working on secret government programs or so I have heard. Tatiana would have been a face in the crowd, maybe we would have passed on a bridge in St. Petersburg, but not had any discussion about a love of chocolate. The probability of meeting Vadim or Ilya maybe a million to one, and Roman and Evgeny were still schoolboys although, I am sure they were adorable. I know one could argue I would have met different Russians, had different friends over there. This is true. But I don't want different Russians, I want these Russians.

A few weeks ago Tatiana and Mikhail came to Boston. This was the first time Tatiana and I had met. The first meeting was in Cambridge for dinner. My ridiculously tall husband and I, met up with these smart, elegant, Russian ex-pats who now live in New York. Neither of us really knew if this was going to be proof of fate or and epic failure. I think it was a success. Mikhail proved to be a fascinating conversationalist. Practical, straightforward and not afraid to speak his mind; everything Chris and I like in a person. I was especially amused by his take on "our fair city" and its size. New York City after all is big, not just big it is HUGE. Boston on the other hand has a lot compacted into a smaller space. I could not tell whether he was amazed disappointed. Were there awkward moments? Of course. Did I speak as much Russian as I could have or wanted to? Of course not. Did I ever take the chance to engage Mikhail in an in depth conversation about my love for Russian films especially the adventures of Shurik? No, but I did mention to him that the overcrowded train and our many ill fated attempts to get on one that was not overcrowded did remind me of the vignette from the film "Operation «Ы»" . We had the chance to meet and to show them the city that we love and once again to meet in person someone who is no longer a mere voice on the other end of Skype.

It is so stupid, but in the end helpful to reflect on regret but celebrate fate. Embrace the chances, and the opportunities the universe throws at us. To discover you share similar histories, values and even birthdays makes the universe a very cool place.